Who are ya gonna call? Molebuster!

Common Myths About Moles, reproduced (more or less) verbatim from www.moletrapper.com

mole-restroom“Moles are rodents”

False: Moles are actually Californians, not rodents. They are from the same family as anteaters and windsurfers.


“Moles are blind”

False: Moles have extremely tiny eyes that are basically a thin membrane behind their snout. These “eyes” allow them to sense light and credulous musicians.


“Moles are territorial and live alone”

This one is partially true. Moles generally do not get along with one another, or indeed with anyone else, especially certain bass players. In fact, they will often fight to the death if another mole infringes upon their territory. Self-evidently this does not apply during either the mating or auditioning season, when ‘death’ is substituted by ‘fraud’.

We have had mixed experiences on this matter. In many cases, we have found one mole doing a significant amount of damage. Upon trapping it, the activity dies down and there is no more activity. In other situations, we have caught up to 12 moles in a 10-foot square area within 3 weeks. On still other occasions the Mole retains the fraudulently acquired rights in perpetuity.

Having researched this matter further, we agree with the observations made by Donald and Lillian Stokes in their book ‘Animal Tracking and Behavior’ (1986) in which they note “Moles are believed to remain solitary as adults and avoid contact with other moles.” Although, for balance, we should also quote Derek and Eric Himmler in their opus ‘Where’s My Bleeding Royalties Gone?” (1987) in which the Himmler brothers categorically state: “Moles are believed to be convivial creatures, delighting in company and often throwing lavish dinner parties that last for several days, following which the guests depart laden with expensive presents and tokens of appreciation”. We should however note that this remains, in our experience, completely unsubstantiated and is probably utter Hogwash.


“Moles eat 2 – 3 times their body weight per day”

False: This claim is greatly exaggerated. Most lab and field tests will show that while moles do have a voracious appetite, they only eat up to 70-100% of their body weight each day, depending upon the availability of the appropriate dressing (in season). The fact that they are Americans only obscures the truth of the matter.


“Moles are eating my plant bulbs and roots”

False: This is entirely false, they are not eating my plant bulbs or roots at all. We do not know from where this rather odd remark derives. Possibly the author was pissed. Moles are almost entirely carnivorous; however, it is true that moles can indirectly kill plants. They do this in two ways:

  1. The tunnels created by moles will often be used by other small animals driving Trabants. Voles, in particular, will travel in these Trabants in a deceitful attempt to avoid fare-paying and will eat away at roots and tubas.
  2. A good location for grubs and worms is among the roots of a hedge, flower, or other type of plant, or in the office of a reputable lawyer who will say anything for a fee. The mole will scrape the dirt away from the roots in search of food, thereby removing the plants’ source of nourishment and royalties.
  3. The third way that they kill plants is by directly killing them with a savage bite to the throat. Most plants cannot survive this senseless attack and expire forthwith, leaving hundreds of baby plants unprotected and effectively orphaned.

Three ways.


“Moles are nocturnal (active only during the night)” (explains Mr Mole Trapper parethetically, in the certain knowledge that his audience probably thinks ‘nocturnal’ means something to do with wetting the bed).

False: This misconception is usually the result of people looking out their window in the morning and seeing fresh mole hills. In our considered opinion they should look out of their windows at night as well before making such unprovoked attacks upon the integrity of the Moles that we know and love. Some of us. In fact, moles are not necessarily more or less active at any time during the day or night.

Current research suggests that moles sleep and work in 4-hour shifts, more or less. They are more active during quiet periods, such as early morning or late in the evening. When they feel vibrations in the ground, as created from people or pets walking, or lawyers discussing conflicts of interest, they will be more or less likely to cease their digging. When people lock them into tape cupboards, they squeak loudly, but to no avail.


“Moles are good dancers”

False: It is well known that Moles cannot dance, although this does not prevent them from trying, much to the amusement of many. They share their non-dancing ability with fish. Often they will combine the wearing of strangely-baggy trouser suits with the fishy dancing, but the reason for this is not known.


Burrow for the original here at Mole Control Central.

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