The Too-Tight Heggers want YOU to get the drinks in!

Rotating his backing singers on the grounds of their treacherous disloyalty, Resident Chump now treads the homoerotic path with their replacements, the well-stuffed Too-Tight Heggers. Unable to afford suits that fit, the muscle-bound Heggers force themselves into bargain-bin costumes to impress the Resident with their parsimony and girth. Fresh from rotation in the far-off land of Eyerack, the testosterone-swilling Heggers are frankly gagging for it. And in this case it involves simply parroting the wise words of the Resident with little, or preferably no, forethought.

Unbound by traditional rules of melody, rhythm and harmony, the Heggers give it all they’ve got, revelling in their new-found freedom to let it all hang out. Spit it out, you Heggers! The Too-Tight Heggers perform provocative naval manoeuvres and actively seek out geese in order to say ‘boo!’ to them for the delight of the Resident, who displays his manly pleasure while still retaining a virile veto.

Alas Poor Piggy

Spare a thought for their predecessors Quiet Piggies, who did their inconsiderable best to satisfy the Resident’s requirements bydebasing themselves and grovelling appropriately but alas, this did not meet the exacting Chump requirements and they too were summarily dismissed. Fortunately, they have found high-profile and very important other positions, which will be announced in two weeks time, or else they have died.

Now That’s What I Call Too-Tight!

Petejohnjim Heggers

Petejohnjim was named after his uncles Petejohn and Nancyboy (known as Jim) but he felt that Nancyboy was a bit suspect so he never spoke to him and later truncated his name as an act of homophobic revenge. Anyway, five syllables in the Deep South was asking for trouble. Following a failed career as a cake restorer, Petejohnjim decided that religious fundamentalism was the way to go, and had the word ‘Callous’ engraved on his heart to demonstrate his enormous pectorals.

Convinced that Armageddon is around the corner, he entreats his fellow man (also woman, but not quite so enthusiastically) to join him at the End of Times bar to show no mercy to a last bottle of Scotch before the Imperial Barman calls time.

Jimpetejohn Heggers

Jimpetejohn grew up dirt poor in the one of most depraved areas of the States, and has remained dirt poor for his entire career. Money is what drives him, although he hasn’t actually got any. But if he plays his cards right, he knows the Resident will shower him with gold leaf, valuable cheap telephones, used baseball hats and tea-stained diplomas from bankrupt universities where, for a price, he will be able to study how to get rich quick.

What goes in one ear comes immediately out of his mouth with no deviation, hesitation, repetition or reflection. Say what you like about Jimpetejohn, nobody has ever sneered at his homemade trousers.

Waynettabillyjojimjohn Heggers

Waynettabillyjojimjohn made the difficult transition from being a reflective, left-leaning soul to the strapping, six-foot, musclebound xenophobe that he is today after falling under the spell of Florida mystic Elmer Branestawm. Branestawm declared that he was right about everything whereas everybody else was wrong. With confidence like this, the Branestawm message was hard to resist, particularly for the credulous.

And let’s face it, they don’t come more credulous than Waynettabillyjojimjohn. Having determined that the earth is flat on the basis of extensive research on YouTube and holding up a ruler, Waynettabillyjojimjohn is essentially a simple but violent soul who is pleased to get through the day without falling off the edge of the planet.